Okay, so … this guy is my hero.
Here’s an “I’m up in the middle of the night and can’t figure out why” list of 10 reasons why I want to be him:
- He lives in New England. I wanna live in New England, and not just to be nearer my beloved Patriots, either. There’s the soup factor, too, y’know. And the rest of the seafood. Mmm … seafood.
- He has a full beard, and people “respond to the natural grass.” Dude, I so know it. I can’t grow a full beard at gun point. I can’t do a lot of other things at gun point, either, but that’s a big one.
- He has the classic New England accent. If I have to have an accent, at least let it be that one. Jeez. Or the deep south. I thought I’d make an awesome redneck, but … nah. New England. It rocks.
- He’s got the kick-ass sweatshirts. Dude … ’nuff said.
- He’s a business owner. It’s a car wash he runs with his brother, but still — how awesome is it to never be laid off? I wouldn’t know. But I bet it’s awesome.
- He’s secure enough in his masculinity to admit that Tom Brady is the most attractive man on earth in his opinion, who beats out Carson Palmer even when jaundiced. I’m not … yeah, I’m not there yet. Sorry.
- He says “dude” a lot. Dude, that rules. Just ask Raga. Chicks like guys that say “dude” a lot.
- He’s got like an eight foot wingspan. Just ask him. That means he can bring down Devin Hester in a diner in less than 14 seconds. And he thinks Peyton Manning looks like an aerobics instructor out there, waving his arms around. “I’m not really changin’ the play — but this looks smaht an’ cool, right? Call my agent, I’m available for pahties.” Best. Commercial. Ever.
- He’s got a blog dedicated to the Patriots. My wife has a football blog, and she did it up in Pats colors (with a gentle bit of guidance from some artist she’s sleeping with), but it’s not a Pats blog. Pats bloggers rule — and they get paid, too. I saw a job opening on one of the job boards for it. I was so tempted to apply, but knew I couldn’t dedicate the time to it. Dude.
- He’s on TV. Again, ’nuff said, right?
So yeah. He’s my hero. I wanna be Matty.
You go, dude.