Dude, I’m Nevah Gonna Do It …

Okay, so … this guy is my hero.

Here’s an “I’m up in the middle of the night and can’t figure out why” list of 10 reasons why I want to be him:

  1. He lives in New England. I wanna live in New England, and not just to be nearer my beloved Patriots, either. There’s the soup factor, too, y’know. And the rest of the seafood. Mmm … seafood.
  2. He has a full beard, and people “respond to the natural grass.” Dude, I so know it. I can’t grow a full beard at gun point. I can’t do a lot of other things at gun point, either, but that’s a big one.
  3. He has the classic New England accent. If I have to have an accent, at least let it be that one. Jeez. Or the deep south. I thought I’d make an awesome redneck, but … nah. New England. It rocks.
  4. He’s got the kick-ass sweatshirts. Dude … ’nuff said.
  5. He’s a business owner. It’s a car wash he runs with his brother, but still — how awesome is it to never be laid off? I wouldn’t know. But I bet it’s awesome.
  6. He’s secure enough in his masculinity to admit that Tom Brady is the most attractive man on earth in his opinion, who beats out Carson Palmer even when jaundiced. I’m not … yeah, I’m not there yet. Sorry.
  7. He says “dude” a lot. Dude, that rules. Just ask Raga. Chicks like guys that say “dude” a lot.
  8. He’s got like an eight foot wingspan. Just ask him. That means he can bring down Devin Hester in a diner in less than 14 seconds. And he thinks Peyton Manning looks like an aerobics instructor out there, waving his arms around. “I’m not really changin’ the play — but this looks smaht an’ cool, right? Call my agent, I’m available for pahties.” Best. Commercial. Ever.
  9. He’s got a blog dedicated to the Patriots. My wife has a football blog, and she did it up in Pats colors (with a gentle bit of guidance from some artist she’s sleeping with), but it’s not a Pats blog. Pats bloggers rule — and they get paid, too. I saw a job opening on one of the job boards for it. I was so tempted to apply, but knew I couldn’t dedicate the time to it. Dude.
  10. He’s on TV. Again, ’nuff said, right?

So yeah. He’s my hero. I wanna be Matty.

You go, dude.


6 thoughts on “Dude, I’m Nevah Gonna Do It …

  1. Hey Dude. πŸ˜‰

    Southern accents rock. Could be I’m biased. Rednecks, not rocking so much.

    We want to move too. Somewhere it gets cold.

    All the Pats love is good. I’m still gonna have to root for the Colts. Don’t shoot! My husband loves football like ya’ll do and every year has several fantasy teams. I’m going to have to show him the guys site. He likes Tom Brady too. Rumor has it Tom is the next Joe Montana. I can see it.


  2. @Raga: Okay, you’re the second Colts fan I’ve met that I like too much to shoot. You darned Colts fans are as classy as your team and coach. I hate that, because we Massholes like to be rude … and shoot. Durn.

    I grew up watching Joe Montana play, in the SF Bay Area. I have to tell you, Raga, with only admiration in my heart for the owner of Joe’s Diner, Manning and Brady are both better quarterbacks. Brady is almost eerily like Montana in his poise and posture in the pocket, but he’s a big physical upgrade — stronger, bigger, taller, heavier, and much less fragile. (I used to jokingly call Big Sky “Skeleton by Waterford”. We loved him, but — man. Breakable.) He’s a Hall of Famer, but I think these guys are better.

    So, if you’re good with the Pats love, then I’ve got room for Colts fans on my blog too. πŸ™‚ And I guess I’ll have to alter my redneck aspirations. Sophisticated So’thuhn Gentlemen, heah I come … πŸ˜‰

    @Sherri: Pff! Romo?? ROMO??? I don’t think so. I mean, not that I’m noticing guys or anything, but that list you rattled off didn’t do nothin’ for me. Lump those guys in with Antonio Banderas, baby — not hawt.

    Adrian Peterson, though — w00t! Can that boy run or what?? Are you sure he’s not from Mizzou? πŸ˜‰

    @Undercanopy: Aw, dude … dude. Just … just dude. NO. FREAKING. WAY.

    I hope.

  3. Awww. You’re so sweet! I like not getting shot at. I used to live in an area like that and it’s no fun. I love Manning and Dungy too. Plus Marvin Harrison. Anyhoo.

    Onto the accents. Have you ever seen the show Jeremiah? It was on HBO a couple of years ago. Well there was this character named Simms and he had a smooth, old South sounding accent. It was nice. Not all nasally and hillbilly. Or Matthew McConaughey. He’s all around nice.

    Who do you think will make it to the Superbowl? Besides the Pats of course. :o) No Texans, I don’t know if they will ever make it there. Ahhh the crappy home team blues.

  4. Raga: No, never caught Jeremiah, but I think I heard about it. (Jeremiah, by the way, is a great old South guy’s name, ain’t it? Dude.) Nasally and hillbilly’s probably what I would’ve ended up with, though, knowing my luck and genetic donation chain. Ugh.

    The ‘Bowl? Well, I’m banking on the Pats, but if not them, the only ones I see knocking them off are the Colts … dagnabit. But they’re a dangerous team, they’re the defending champs, and they know how to win. If they get past the Pats, they’re the winners, I’m sure. In the NFC, I don’t see much of a challenge for the Cowboys. They’re strong and explosive, but I think the Pats and the Colts both could dismantle them. As for the Texans — Gary Kubiak’s a great offensive mind, but it’s going to take time to assemble the talent to go all the way. I just hope the owner and fans will be patient through that building process. Carr didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean the personnel they have isn’t workable. I think with a few solid draft choices (which means better scouting than they’ve shown to now), they’ll get something going. The ‘Bowl’s a bit in the distance yet, though.

    Don’t worry, the crappy home team blues will fade when they start winning some stuff they shouldn’t be winning. Once they start splitting the series with the Colts, you know they’re on their way. πŸ™‚

    So glad you came back. We love seeing you. πŸ™‚

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