Dear Blogosphere …


Hello, blogosphere.

Come in. Thank you for coming by. It means so much to me, and I … well, I have something I need to tell you. It’s important, and I didn’t want to do it over the open crowded connection of the public library. No, only the privacy of my own broadband would work for this, I’m afraid. Yes … yes, it is serious. Please, sit down, won’t you? I think you should.

Blogosphere, I wasn’t completely honest with you last time I spoke to you of my time away. Wait, please! Don’t freak! It’s not what you think, beloved blogosphere, truly.

I know, I know … you have no reason to believe me now. Everything is unsteady, shaky, uncertain for you. But listen before you react, okay? Let me tell you what happened, see if you can understand.

See, I don’t very often talk about my life with … and please, be calm now … other web sites. Yes, there are others, blogophiles. I’m sorry; I want nothing more than to tell you you’re the only site, you’re the only set of pixels I’ve blanketed with text, the only cybercorner where I hang my hat. But I’d be lying to you if I said those things, I’d be adding to a deception that will only be more painful when revealed later. Better to air it out now, have it on the table.

I had other websites before I met you, blogosphere. I’m sorry, but one of them is still with me. I’ve broken with most of the others — honestly, I swear it — but there is one that … well, I can’t explain it. It’s there, it just keeps hanging around, and try as I might, I can’t shake it, dump it, get rid of it. In some weird way, I’m addicted to it.

I can’t tell you the name. I can’t give you the URL; I just can’t. I can’t look you in the eye and see the expression you’ll have. I don’t want you to do anything rash, blogosphere. I love you too much. So we’ll leave the site anonymous. Just know it’s there, all right? Know it’s somewhere out there and for whatever reason, I can’t quit it. I just can’t. Like the “cowboys” in Brokeback Mountain.

Oh, I can tell you some of the reasons I can’t leave it. For one, I have a subscription there. I paid for one myself, but it expired a few days ago, and my current subscription was bought for me. That’s right, some of them love me there too. When my subscription ended, while LOML and I struggled, couldn’t get online and were between paychecks (and didn’t have the spare change to use for frivolity like that anyway), some of the members banded together and bought me subscriptions. Two of them got me three-month subs, one sprang for a year. Yes, a year. So now I’m subscribed through November 2009, all just from the goodness of their hearts. After that outpouring, after that expression of genuine warmth and love, how can I turn away from them? How can I just walk away from something like that? You understand, don’t you blogosphere? You can see that, can’t you? Your heart is large, tender and warm. I know you understand.

And, they were there for me, blogosphere. When I couldn’t get to you, when I wasn’t able to access you here like I needed to, like I wanted to — the other site was there. I could reach it, share things, and get reactions. I’m a junky, my darlings; a junkie dependent on response, feedback, critiques and praise. Yes, praise. There, I’ve said it — I like hearing my work is good, being adored and coddled and stroked. I can’t help it, blogosphere, I’m human! HUMAN! No matter my distaste for saying it, no matter my desire to be otherwise, I am human, and I have needs! Please, you have to understand! You have to! I just … couldn’t be without it.

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10 thoughts on “Dear Blogosphere …

  1. Want me to kick her ass? I’ll do it Texas style. I bet Sherri and I could knock her down a peg or two. I’m sure your lovely wife told you what I thought and I will be happy to tell you directly. She’s the total freakin’ whack job! Don’t beat yourself up because some nasty, old used up hag needs to put you down to maker her feel better about her clearly pathetic life. Damn this frosts my cookies! I don’t want to go into too much here but I do know the back story and you did NOTHING wrong. God forbid you didn’t get down on your knees and kiss her ass and thank her for being a bitch. Also, you really have to consider the source. I mean come on. It’s not you, it’s her.

    You are a WONDERFUL and amazing person and friend, don’t forget that or I’ll kick your ass too! 🙂

    Raga

    PS. I think she’s just UBER freakin’ jealous the you have more creativity and talent in your pinkie nail than she does in her whole being. I’m sorry to rant and get all angry eyes but I don’t like manipulative a-holes and she is one.

  2. Raga and Sherri-kins:

    I had to sit down and think about how I wanted to respond to your comments. You both expressed something so deep and powerful I thought joking around about it, or being flip and cavalier just wasn’t going to cut it.

    Thank you doesn’t even cut it. Not even close.

    Sherri, I’ll send you an email, or maybe you and V can connect so she can give you the whole back story. It’s a lot, and it would be a whole tasteless blog post of its own to try and explain here. Besides, I don’t want to detract from the greatness of what you’ve said here.

    I’m more than moved in my heart by what you’ve said. I know where my true friends are in times like these. I know when the events referenced in my post took place, I was in a dark, terrible place emotionally. Someone tried to help me with my writing and I didn’t handle it well. I didn’t attack that person, or say anything negative about them; I just got really down on my work. Sherri, you’ll remember some of that. I was so sure everything I wrote was weak, I should give up altogether. I know you had a hand in upholding me and getting me through it. Raga, your constant encouragement and faithful following of my work kept me going. No lie, I posted things just for you sometimes, because I wasn’t feeling very confident about my writing at all. I don’t know if I do now, but I’m going to press on even if I never slide above mediocrity.

    The vehemence of your defense brought tears to my eyes today. I sat alone in my bright cubicle and tried to act composed, and hide the window of my browser whenever someone passed my desk. But I couldn’t stop reading it. It meant so much to have you in my corner, to have you ball your fists and gnash your teeth, all for me, against a perceived enemy of mine. It’s been a long, long time since anyone sided with me like that who wasn’t a spouse or my life-long friend Bill.

    Now I realize I was wrong to believe he was the only life-long friend I had. I know I have at least two more who will go to bat for me, stand with me, and encourage me. Point out things I need to improve, and never sway from standing with me whatever it is I’m facing.

    I love you both. God bless you. And, thank you. As weak as that is, thank you.

    -JDT-

  3. Bryce — Thanks, man. I really appreciate the kind words. I’m not sure why this particular jerk was any different than the other jerks I meet every day, but it bugged me for some reason. I think probably because I thought she was a friend and in an instant she popped off on me unexpectedly and just … left.

    I’m working on the “keep writing” part, bud. I seriously am. 🙂

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