The Day the Movies Sucked

day-earth-stood-still-gort-1 Remember The Day the Earth Stood Still, that campy, anti-nuclear war social statement back in 1951 which introduced the world to the now-iconic GORT, massive indestructible robot?

Don’t fret if you don’t know it, but even if you don’t, I bet you remember the 2008 remake with Keanu Reeves, don’tcha? Well, I had the opportunity to watch it over the weekend, so I sat down to see what became of a classic Sci-Fi favorite.

What became of it was, it got ruined.

This was the worst tree-hugging, evil-humans-must-be-eliminated piece of eco-terrorist propaganda I’ve seen since that piece of crap The Day After Tomorrow. UGH. Jeez, take a perfectly workable plot and completely flush it down the toilet. While it was just as bad, at least War of the Worlds (the Spielberg version from 2005) held some of the original’s integrity and vision. But honestly, I’m starting to wonder if Hollywood writers ever think their plots through. If I wrote fiction like that, I could give up on convincing readers to follow my story and I could forget about ever getting published.

My goodness, what a stink-fest.  First, I’m not sure who told old Keanu he could act but they lied. Second, the whole premise is aliens come to Earth to destroy humans because we’re “wrecking the planet” (again). They have to save the Earth. . .from us. Yes, we, the only indigenous reasoning life forms on the planet, aren’t good for it. So all the aliens have to gather two of every kind of animal so they can eliminate us pesky, destructive, hateful, disgusting humans from the planet. According to Keanu, there are only a handful of planets capable of supporting complex life, so this one’s extremely valuable.

How do the aliens do this? With incredible technology. It’s so advanced, it’s like magic. As any Sci-Fi fan knows, sufficiently advanced technology would appear to be magical to less advanced life forms. And how, pray tell, did those aliens develop their technology? How’d they go from living in trees and caves and working with burning sticks to traveling the cosmos in hyper-light speed space craft? How’d they go from clubs made from the bones of dead animals to GORT, the massively destructive (did you catch that?) robot made of miniature metal locusts?

Well, however they did it, it wasn’t by first learning to cultivate the resources of their planet, that’s for sure. It wasn’t by discovering increasingly efficient fuel sources and use of raw materials until manufacture of polymers could replace it, that’s for sure. It wasn’t by going from discreet conductors and electronics to integrated circuits to whatever comes next, that’s for sure. How do I know? Because, despite the natural progression technology must take to go from fire to interstellar travel, the aliens hate us like all good tree-huggers, and we have to be destroyed.

So how did they develop their technology? Well, we don’t get to find out. Because no one, from Kathy Bates as the Secretary of State, to the brunette hottie super-scientist with a heart, thought to ask them what other options were available. And no, the aliens weren’t here to show us a better way. They were just here to wipe us out. Warn us first, but since we didn’t just waltz them into the UN meeting to have a sit-down with all us dumb-ass humans, we don’t really deserve a proper warning anyway. I mean, the UN’s been so efficient at working things out so far, why wouldn’t aliens go to them first with this, right?


Anyway, you’ve probably seen it so I won’t bother with the stupid details. But a single question – “Okay, smart guys, since our way’s so wrong, how’d you develop your technology if not by a logical progression through a chain of ever-advancing steps utilizing the resources of the world around you?” – breaks this plot into teeny-tiny little shards of crap. As opposed to the single, HUGE turd it was before the question is asked.

Save two hours of your life for something interesting, amusing or productive. This dog has too many fleas to be worth it. All this, and I missed the first part of the movie. I’m glad I didn’t see all of it though. The special effects didn’t save it. Sorry, Keanu.

Hey, Hollywood script writers, here’s an idea: if you want to update a classic movie, keep your agenda out of it. Write something a person of average intelligence couldn’t blow apart like a tissue during a sneeze, would ya?


All original content © 2009 DarcKnyt
ALL rights reserved.


13 thoughts on “The Day the Movies Sucked

  1. I’ve never seen the new TDTESS, but I have long thought that Keanu’s success came from successful management of his career–choosing the right roles, etc–and his angelic beauty. Man, is he beautiful. If he could only act…

    Heh. Well, I can’t say his beauty does much for me, unless he’s willing to give it to me, but then, who’m I? 😉 And if you haven’t seen this POS yet, don’t bother. Trust me, hon. Don’t bother.

    I liked the new War of the Worlds. At least Tom Cruise can act, even if he distracts me with his crazy stardom.

    Um . . . beg to differ on the “can act” part. He’s making his way the same way Keanu is. Looks, looks, more looks. Just me again, though. 😉

  2. I loved the old one, and so far I refused to see the new one based on the fact that Hollywood would probably ruin it. Now I doubly refuse to see it.

    Klatu Barata Nictu

    A wise choice, young padawan. DON’T see it. It IS ruined. I understood the agenda in the ’51 version; I’m sick of being told I have to worship trees and lower animals and the very planet on which I stand in modern movies, so cram it, Hollywood. 😉

  3. I haven’t seen either, though maybe I will actually rent this one, and just put it on pause when Keanu makes his debut 😉 I have to agree with Sherri….

    UGH. Puh-LEEZE, people.

    I remember seeing a movie in school about the aftermath of nuclear war, and it scared me to death. I think it was called The Day After. Is this the one you are speaking of here? I hated it, and that damned movie haunted me. Very ineffective scare tactic. What was the school trying to do to us? As if 9th graders had any type of control over the imbeciles who drop bombs? UGH. Still ticks me off.

    Nope, The Day After was indeed required viewing for most of us in high school, but that is not the piece o’ crap of which I speak. The one referenced here is called The Day After Tomorrow, and is a propaganda film for anthropogenic global warming and how it leads to end-of-the-world scenarios. It’s from circa 2006-ish (?), and starred Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhaal. NOT. GOOD.

  4. Never saw the original but saw the new one earlier this year. I didn’t like it but it didn’t piss me off or anything. Man it made you angry.

    Haha! We all have our peeves, I guess. Bad writing in movies is DEFINITELY one of mine, especially when it’s so hard to get INTO this business. It burns my buns that someone writes a piece of crap with a eco-terrorist agenda and it gets turned into a multi-million dollar production. I WANT MY SHOT!! 😉

  5. ROFL There is no way that movie is half as entertaining as your rant. At least I am pretty sure how you really feel. Awesome Darc, lol.

    *Bow* Thanks, Jaymie! 😀

  6. I’ve seen it, noted mental disappointment in how it differed from the original, but I LOVED the special effects. I liked the robot, and the metal locusts, too — it was the actors that killed it for me.
    Klatu Barata Whatsis from me also!

    Okay, someone’s going to have to define that term for me before I say something stupid, if it’s not too late. The effects were good, and that’s fine; to be expected from a modern film. But the unbathed hippy message has to go and the actors? Yeah. Yeah, I’ll stop there. 😉

  7. I watched it last week on HBO and was surprised at how bad it was. Can’t they write something new that stinks instead of rehashing old movies? Way too many “re-imagined” movies out now and who came up with that term? Seems like just too many writers with no new ideas or imagination.

    I know! WTF, right? If it’s going to suck anyway, at least be ORIGINAL with it! MAN! 🙂

  8. Reeves is handsome, but I haven’t seen any of his movies since…um, I know I’ve seen one… way before that Matrix, which I didn’t see either. And hey, if there is anything worse than a poorly written movie (most likely written by committee no matter what the credits say), is a poorly written movie with politics you disagree with! hahaha.

    ROFL! Yes indeed, Mapelba! Yes indeed! And that movie — you can always IMDB it if it’s driving you crazy. 🙂

  9. There are movies I won’t watch ‘cuz I can tell from the previews they are going to suck. This was one of those movies.

    I love Keanu Reeves, but he should stick to movies where he doesn’t talk or Bill & Ted type movies. Same for Nic Cage.

    LOL! Yeah, I have to agree. And I’m SOOO glad I didn’t shell out $9 for this POS. ICK.

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