Unspeakably Bad

All right, I watched one decent movie over the weekend. I told you about that. I watched a couple of bad ones, too. That’s just how I roll, I guess.

The worst of them was a POS called Unspeakable. Interestingly, it had Lance Henrickson, Dina Meyer (rrrrowr) and Dennis Hopper in it. I thought Dennis Hopper was sort of a top-level actor. He always seems to get accolades for the roles he does. Then again, he does retirement commercials for some financial firm too, so I may be very wrong about that.

Regardless, the story is about a serial killer (not a bad premise with which to start) who kills a cop in either New Mexico or Arizona (close to the border). But an innocent man gets the blame and is executed, even after the serial killer is apprehended in Mexico and transferred to the United States for trial.

It’s basically Beauty and the Beast in a sort of modern way. And stinky.

The characters weren’t just archetypes, they were stereotypes. The killer was portrayed by the executive producer/central “actor”, and he was clearly an amateur. His acting stunk in the worst decaying stenches. The character he “portrayed” was super-human in a lot of ways and supposedly caused women to swoon at the very sight of him. He overpowered six or seven large prison guards and escaped. Later, even after overcoming six or seven of them, two of them decided it’d be funny to go into his cell at night and beat him up. OH, and they left the cell door open while they did it, to boot. Can’t forget that.

I lost interest at about that point. The only thing missing from this movie was an aging action hero actor like Jean-Claude Van Damme or Steven Seagal. Rutger Hauer, maybe. The movie was made in 2003, but would’ve fit better in 1983. In Bollywood. It’s horrible. I couldn’t stomach more than the first forty-five minutes or so of that two-hour stinkfest. UGH.

So, I have no idea how that dog with all its fleas ended, but I hope it was merciful and painless. I don’t think so, though. This belonged on Spike at three in the morning or something. Terrible. Horrible. And the studio coughed up money to make it, and paid some serious actors to be in it. Not many, but a couple.

Stay far, far away from Unspeakable with Lance Henrickson and Dennis Hopper. (There is another movie of the same name which is more recent, so I don’t want to steer anyone away from that until I know I should.) The writer/actor/director/supah-stah was Pavan Grover, but I wouldn’t bother trying to look him up if it were me.


All original content © 2009 DarcKnyt
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10 thoughts on “Unspeakably Bad

  1. Dina Meyer takes her shirt off in Starship Troopers.

    Oh yes, I know. I know. 🙂

    And Dennis Hopper has made more piles of shit than my ass.

    No kiddin’? That’s quite a lot, I’d say. I didn’t know that. Thanks for letting me know.

    • Now I’m wondering if Dina Meyer ever did a film where she wears nothing but a cowboy hat and boots…

      It would be worth seeing. 🙂

  2. Can’t stand Dennis Hopper . . . bullying, yelling, shouting, and talking loud don’t a good actor make . . . In my opinion. I’ll steer clear!

    I’d have recommended you do so even if it had been Sir Alec Guinness, God rest his soul. 😉

  3. Unfortunately there are more stinkers out there than there are good ones. I want to see Dillinger with Johnny Depp. Looked interesting when it came out and now it is showing up on PPV so it should be released on DVD soon. I thought it was cool that they filmed all the action stuff where it really happened.

    My wife’s a big Depp fan; when this is available for us to see (free, of course), I’ll make sure she gets to. 🙂 I remember them filming in this area. A married couple I know had a big fight because the husband didn’t tell the wife Depp was in town (like she’d have seen him anyway, right?).

  4. I’ve never heard of it and I will stay far away from it.

    I agree with WIGSF about Dennis Hopper.

    I never fail to learn something about pop culture from that guy. I had no idea Hopper pushed out steamers.

    I watched “Public Enemies” with Johnny Depp a few days ago and it was so unbelieveably boring I didn’t finish it. How this is possible is beyond me. None of the actors were acting, they were just on screen, the action wasn’t interesting and the story was a snore. I paid a dollar for the rental and feel ripped off.

    Wow! That’s hysterical and sort of surprising! Of course, I have no idea how long it lasted in theaters, but I expected it to be amazing. Ah, well. Thanks for the heads-up!

  5. I’ve never heard of Unspeakable, but it does sound unspeakably bad. Dina was also in Johnny Mneumonic, which features Keanu Reeves at his absolute best, aside from maybe River’s Edge, which has the equally stunning Crispin Glover. 😉

    I never saw Johnny Mnemonic, but if Dina’s in it (and it’s a younger, tighter Dina), then … hm. 😉

  6. OH! STARSHIP TROOPERS! Yes, I HAVE seen her before. I remember that rack.

    They weren’t too rack-ish back then, but still … um … view-worthy, let’s call it. 🙂

    I think she’s had work done. Her Saw knockers are considerably more titillating than her Troopers chesticles.

    She was in Saw too? Hm. Without chesticle covering? HM. Thanks for the tip. Maybe watching more bad movies CAN have a pay-off.

  7. dina Meyer. Haven’t thought about her in a while. Man looking at the movies you watched this weekend, I think you make worse choices then me when it comes to watching movies, and WIGSF can atest, I watch some BAD movies.

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