Never fails. Never.
I hit the publish button. I watch the upload. I read the newly posted item. I freak out.
It’s not as good as I though. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know why it is, but no matter how I’ve polished it, no matter how awesome it felt when I did it the first time, I can’t see the piece I thought was great a few hours prior. All I see is the amateurish work of a second-rate hack. It’s not as good as this guy’s stuff, or that girl’s piece, or those over there. Mine stinks. STINKS.
It happens every time I put something on the Internet. Every time.
It’s odd to me that this didn’t happen when I submitted the non-fiction book I finished recently. For whatever reason, I never felt compelled to go back and re-read it, or to second guess myself on it. It went out, stayed out and when I did the proofs I didn’t feel anything for the piece at all. It was just … there.
Whenever I write fiction, though, I’m cocky as hell until I see it on the screen after being published. Then I’m an insecure, needy little whelp who wants to play with the grown-up writers. I feel like a kid in a grown-up conversation. I feel stupid and inferior.
I’m sort of sick of it. Okay, I’m really sick of it. Why is it happening? Why does the piece look so different to me after publishing it? And Lord help me, if I’m this bad about putting something up on the Internet, how will I be when it’s time to seek representation or be published?
How about you? Do any of you experience anything similar in an area of import to you as a person? as an artist or musician or writer or whatever?
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