Wow, whatta crap-fest.
I just spent what might be the worst two hours of my life being force-fed the most awful, stupid, LAME theology I’ve ever heard of. Not that I expect accuracy in either history or theology from Hollywood, but THIS is the worst thing I’ve seen for a long, long time. A long time.
Before I tell you about it, though – and advise you to avoid it like poison – I should give you a bit of background on what’s going on.
I love movies but only on the condition they’re entertaining. I’ve never found someone with the same tastes I have, including the person with whom I’m closest in the entire world – my wife. She likes some of the movies I do, but for the most part, we keep each other honest by only watching movies upon which we can agree. That narrows our field of choice considerably.
So on a Saturday afternoon, when we have nothing better to do, we toss up a movie from our Netflix Instant Queue, and try to weed out some of the stink-burgers in there.
One such is a movie I thought might be fun until I figured out what it was about.
The movie’s called Legion and it has a couple of surprisingly well-known actors in it. For one, Dennis Quaid plays a broken-down man who owns a gas station. For another, Charles Dutton plays a one-handed cook who’s handy with a frying pan in a crunch. Most of the others I’d never heard of except for Lucas Black. He’s best known as the little boy from the beginning of the X-Files movie from 1998-ish, but he did a bit in the TV series American Gothic too.
Angels have been ordered to destroy humanity. One of them doesn’t like the order. So he’s going to rebel. Hm. I’ve heard this one before. I think the angel’s name was Lucifer and the story ended badly for him, right?
Wrong! The angel’s name is Michael, and he’s going to save the universe! – right after tea, though, because Michael the Archangel is very British. So’s Gabriel, his brother, but the others? Eh, who cares?
The problems start with the premise. They spill over into the writing. The dialog sucks like a former Mustang Ranch employee. Then there’s the acting. You can hire great actors – and many of these weren’t – but if you give ‘em crappy enough material, they can’t help but suck. And so is Legion. It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, to be honest, but it’s going to rank among them. This suck fest cratered at the box office and now I see why.
The theology in this thing is absolutely fecal. The end message is, God has needs too and if you fulfill them, He’ll reward you, even if you’ve disobeyed Him. And to top it off, the ones who did obey Him? Yeah, He’s not as fond of you as you might think. That’s a heck of a system, eh? Turns Santa Claus and the whole performance-based acceptance theory on its head, y’know? Also, who’d’ve thunk the whole fight-for-humanity thing would take place in California’s Mojave Desert, rather than in the prophesied and foretold lands of Israel? Even God’s allowed to be off by a little bit, right? What’s a few thousand miles among friends, I asks ya. Like about 7,500 of ‘em.
But, as a plus, you’ll be able to kill any angels sent to destroy you with standard military-issue black market weaponry. And you’ll just so happen to discover said weaponry, along with the requisite ammunition, when you fall out of heaven. Oh, and if you start hearing really loud trumpet blasts? That’s the obedient, God-doesn’t-reward-those-who-obey-Him antagonist coming to make you miserable. Run.
Now, the end-of-the-world kick I’ve been on lately is purely accidental. I don’t normally seek out these sorts of things, but I have found a few of late just by being on Netflix. They sound like interesting movies but end up being pretty awful. Most of them have been POST-apocalypse movies, but this one is sort of PRE-apocalyptic. Like Terminator and its franchise, it takes place just prior to the end of the world and our band of world-saviors must prevent the end from coming.
What’s wrong with that? Nothing, except this movie didn’t provide any reason, none whatsoever, for why God might have changed His mind. Oh, and there’s that “this child is the last hope of humanity” thing, which is, to my recollection, never explained. Ever. It just is. So the child must survive to save humanity, because…well, because they said so, and you’ll have to live with that.
So if you like ridiculously stupid movies filled with crap theology and the most trite and cliché plots and scenes, you won’t want to miss this one. It’s got to be among the top of those types of movies.
I wouldn’t waste the precious and irretrievable minutes of your finite and rapidly diminishing life if I were you. It’s too late for me, though.
Copyright 2011 DarcKnyt, All rights reserved