Legion Errs Disease

Wow, whatta crap-fest.

I just spent what might be the worst two hours of my life being force-fed the most awful, stupid, LAME theology I’ve ever heard of. Not that I expect accuracy in either history or theology from Hollywood, but THIS is the worst thing I’ve seen for a long, long time. A long time.

Before I tell you about it, though – and advise you to avoid it like poison – I should give you a bit of background on what’s going on.

I love movies but only on the condition they’re entertaining. I’ve never found someone with the same tastes I have, including the person with whom I’m closest in the entire world – my wife. She likes some of the movies I do, but for the most part, we keep each other honest by only watching movies upon which we can agree. That narrows our field of choice considerably.

So on a Saturday afternoon, when we have nothing better to do, we toss up a movie from our Netflix Instant Queue, and try to weed out some of the stink-burgers in there.

One such is a movie I thought might be fun until I figured out what it was about.

imageThe movie’s called Legion and it has a couple of surprisingly well-known actors in it. For one, Dennis Quaid plays a broken-down man who owns a gas station. For another, Charles Dutton plays a one-handed cook who’s handy with a frying pan in a crunch. Most of the others I’d never heard of except for Lucas Black. He’s best known as the little boy from the beginning of the X-Files movie from 1998-ish, but he did a bit in the TV series American Gothic too.

Basically, the movie amounts to this: The movies The Seventh Sign and The Prophecy had an illicit love-child and this is it.

Angels have been ordered to destroy humanity. One of them doesn’t like the order. So he’s going to rebel. Hm. I’ve heard this one before. I think the angel’s name was Lucifer and the story ended badly for him, right?

Wrong! The angel’s name is Michael, and he’s going to save the universe! – right after tea, though, because Michael the Archangel is very British. So’s Gabriel, his brother, but the others? Eh, who cares?

The problems start with the premise. They spill over into the writing. The dialog sucks like a former Mustang Ranch employee. Then there’s the acting. You can hire great actors – and many of these weren’t – but if you give ‘em crappy enough material, they can’t help but suck. And so is Legion. It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, to be honest, but it’s going to rank among them. This suck fest cratered at the box office and now I see why.

The theology in this thing is absolutely fecal. The end message is, God has needs too and if you fulfill them, He’ll reward you, even if you’ve disobeyed Him. And to top it off, the ones who did obey Him? Yeah, He’s not as fond of you as you might think. That’s a heck of a system, eh? Turns Santa Claus and the whole performance-based acceptance theory on its head, y’know? Also, who’d’ve thunk the whole fight-for-humanity thing would take place in California’s Mojave Desert, rather than in the prophesied and foretold lands of Israel? Even God’s allowed to be off by a little bit, right? What’s a few thousand miles among friends, I asks ya. Like about 7,500 of ‘em.

But, as a plus, you’ll be able to kill any angels sent to destroy you with standard military-issue black market weaponry. And you’ll just so happen to discover said weaponry, along with the requisite ammunition, when you fall out of heaven. Oh, and if you start hearing really loud trumpet blasts? That’s the obedient, God-doesn’t-reward-those-who-obey-Him antagonist coming to make you miserable. Run.

Now, the end-of-the-world kick I’ve been on lately is purely accidental. I don’t normally seek out these sorts of things, but I have found a few of late just by being on Netflix. They sound like interesting movies but end up being pretty awful. Most of them have been POST-apocalypse movies, but this one is sort of PRE-apocalyptic. Like Terminator and its franchise, it takes place just prior to the end of the world and our band of world-saviors must prevent the end from coming.

What’s wrong with that? Nothing, except this movie didn’t provide any reason, none whatsoever, for why God might have changed His mind. Oh, and there’s that “this child is the last hope of humanity” thing, which is, to my recollection, never explained. Ever. It just is. So the child must survive to save humanity, because…well, because they said so, and you’ll have to live with that.

So if you like ridiculously stupid movies filled with crap theology and the most trite and cliché plots and scenes, you won’t want to miss this one. It’s got to be among the top of those types of movies.

I wouldn’t waste the precious and irretrievable minutes of your finite and rapidly diminishing life if I were you. It’s too late for me, though.


Copyright 2011 DarcKnyt, All rights reserved


11 thoughts on “Legion Errs Disease

  1. I couldn’t agree with you more on this one. It looked so cool on Netflix, and it just disappointed the hell out of me. They did such a bad job explaining things. The dialog was absolutely unbelievable, and so were the situations. I felt sorry for Dennis Quaid, because I could see him acting his ass off, and it still couldn’t help this terrible movie. It just gave me more respect for him, doing his best no matter what.

    Charles Dutton, too. That poor man has done his best with roles in both this POS and Alien 3, another mangy dog with fleas. But even good actors can’t help a crap film. And this was CRAP.

  2. Hey, man, I always knew the angels were British-accented, Uzi-wielding plot devices. Just sayin’. ;P

    You’re ahead of the curve. 😉

  3. I saw the Prophecy. Man that was a crappy movie. Figured it was the same movie from the commercials. Gave this one a pass a long time ago. Can’t believe you gave it a go.

    I can’t either. This is the problem with not getting to the movies once in a while and seeing what’s available. It sounded fun on NetFlix. Lesson learned.

    Besides, never look for intelligence in theology from Hollywood. The only god is Hollywood is the greenback.

    Too true. And a lot of those greenbacks don’t come from the US anymore.

  4. Maybe I should watch this on, then. I absolutely love watching terrible movies (I like to make fun of them. Probably comes from growing up on Mystery Science Theatre 3000 XD)

    Ha! I loved that show! It’s AWESOME!

    I hope you get to see a phenomenal movie soon to heal the damage this one made. =D

    Hehehe. Carriers was good stuff. I had fun. And I saw one from when I was a young man recently and it was decent too. 🙂

  5. You convinced me . . . I will not watch this movie!
    p.s. It’s been a while. I hope you’re well and I am now reading some of your previous blogs.

    Hi, Berna! Nice to see you again!… and yes, stay away from this movie. 🙂

  6. Saw it and I agree, it was pretty darn bad on all levels

    Sure was, Delaney. Sorry you suffered through it too.

  7. Hmm. I never heard of “Legion”, but it sure sounds like drek. I also can’t stand books or movies with stupid theologies. I watched “Wings of Desire” a while ago because it’s supposed to be a genius classic. I was unimpressed. When you boil it down, it’s about an angel who decides to become human so that he can shtup a cute young girl. She has no redeeming qualities except a nice figure. I can’t believe that one of God’s angels who has been caring for humanity for tens of thousands of years could be so shallow. Why does everyone love that movie so much?

    I don’t know, but it sure sounds a lot like one I saw a LOOOOOONG time ago with Nic Cage and Meg Ryan in it. Do you recall that one? I can’t remember the name, but it was the same thing. I think it was City of Angels or some farce like that. Yeah… drek. Big time.

    UPDATE: Heh, turns out City of Angels is also based on the “modern classic” Wings of Desire. How’s THAT for everything old being new again?

  8. Movies messing with theology never bothers me because Hollywood isn’t church. And I don’t care as long as what they do makes sense in the fictional world they create. That said, movie sounds terrible. Looked terrible way back when I saw the trailer. Glad to hear I’m not missing anything!

    They’re not messing with theology, they’re making it up. But no, you’re not missing anything.

  9. I watched about 30 minutes of this crapfest. It wasn’t scary, funny or enlightening. It was just crap.

    Interestingly, all I hoped for was entertaining. I didn’t find THAT in it either. 🙂

  10. I’ll make note to not watch it… or save it for a night we feel like ripping on some crap films.

    That’s for the best. There’s a LOT to rip on.

    Sucks though when you’re looking for a good film to watch. Maybe next time?

    We’ve done better since. And before. 😉

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