Did you come here searching for sandwiches? Don’t be embarrassed, a lot of people have. What are you looking for relative to sandwiches, exactly? Recipes? Ideas?

Here’s tip for you, sandwich searcher: SANDWICHES AREN’T THAT F*CKING HARD. Take two pieces of bread and your favorite solid food, cover the bread on one face per slice with the condiment of your choice, and put them together with the dry surfaces facing out. Stick that in your dumbass pie hole, chew, swallow, repeat. SANDWICH. There. Happy?

Ideas for sandwiches? How about this one: Take your favorite non-liquid food, slap it between two slices of bread coated on one surface with your favorite condiment, put them together with the dry surfaces facing out, and stick that piece of sh!t in your pie hole. Chew, swallow, repeat.

Know why?

BECAUSE SANDWICHES AREN’T F*CKING ROCKET SCIENCE, YOU STUPID F*CKTARD. It’s a sandwich, for God’s sake, not brain surgery.

Do yourself a favor and get off the Internet for a while, okay?

Return of the Weird Searchers!

Hurrah! After more than a year of not being able to get searches beyond stuff related to resumes for marriage in the Asian subcontinent, the strange search terms have reappeared!

Oh joy, oh joy!

So I check my search terms every once in a while just to see if something hinkey comes along. And today I was rewarded with this gem:


Oh, how I’ve missed these beauts! Lookit that! Ain’t it just grand?

I have no idea who might be a whore as a hobby, but hey, everyone needs a hobby right? Might as well enjoy it, right? And if you can get paid for it to boot, well – show me the downside to this one?

Of course, it might just be someone who’s a whore for hobbies. But admitting you have a problem is the first step, don’t you know. So there you have it! I’ve been sought out by someone who’s a hobby whore or a hobbyist whore, whichever.

Also note the “what are two paragraphs” entry there. I’d say two paragraphs are … well, two paragraphs. One paragraph more than one. A pair. One paragraph and another paragraph. Maybe it’s just me, but did you really need the great Oracle Google for that?

Well, wasn’t this fun?

Have a great weekend everyone, and if you’re interested, my #fridayflash piece is up on my fiction blog. Stop by if you’ve a mind to. 🙂


All original content © 2009 DarcKnyt
ALL rights reserved.

Picture This

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When I first started using Zemanta, which is a nice way of gathering resources and links in a blog post, I also allowed it to provide me with pictures to use for my post.  (If you don’t know, people like pictures.  You’ll get more hits on your blog if you use ‘em than if you don’t.  Word to your head, yo.)  And that was fine.

Then I found out I could do cooler things and maybe find better pictures, which don’t require caption editing, if I used the great oracle Google or similar to find my pictures.  So I started doing that.  And things were fine.

Then I discovered a Polaroid Picture add-on for Windows Live Writer.  It allowed me to pick my own picture, insert it into my post, tilt it right or left if I wanted, and add my own caption, and some other special effects too.  And things were wonderful.

Then something changed.  Every picture I found on the Internet, no matter what the dimensions of the picture were, became a postage stamp-sized tile on my blog post.  I could resize the picture of course, but only at my peril.  The pixelation indicated this wasn’t viable after all, not if I wanted the picture to be recognizable and, in some cases, have the text be legible.

What do to?  What to DO?!

I’ve done what I can to pick the appropriate size.  I even went so far as to check with other search engines to see if the one I used did something to the images when they saved.  Nothin’.  Always tiny.

What to do?  What to DO?!

Well, I didn’t know then, and I don’t know now.  I have no clue where to find the nice, clear, large images I can shrink to the perfect size anymore.  Maybe my search terms have gone stale.  Maybe I’m not being creative enough.  Maybe this is Internet censorship at work.  Maybe it’s a conspiracy to stop me from getting the hits I so desperately need and deserve.  Maybe there’s someone trying to keep me from getting popular and they’ve sabotaged my ability to download perfect pictures.  Whatever the case (and none of those are the case), I just can’t get the good sized pictures I once had.

So, do the posts suffer because they don’t have a picture?  Do I need one?  Do you enjoy the posts as much without them?

Sound off, let me know.  Don’t wanna work harder than I have to, y’know?


Did You Miss Me?

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So, I haven’t been online much today, and I haven’t posted anything to this space until now, and did any of you even notice I was missing?  Hm?  Didja?

Probably not.

Over the weekend my wife kept trying to get me to read a book (read her post from this afternoon for more details).  But we stayed up so late playing computer games Saturday and Sunday I never got around to cracking it open.  Besides that, I have a couple of Stephen King books from the library to read, but I guess I’ll read her recommendation first.

The funny thing is, she wants me to read it and then tells me I’m a better writer than the guy who wrote that book.  Why would I want to read something from someone who’s not as good as I am?  If I want to learn karate, I go study under someone who can kick my butt.  If not, what’s the point?  I’m not there to teach, I’m there to learn.  But she insists it’s for me to know something about my competition.  The book is a paranormal, I assume, and she’s likened it to Ghost Hunters.  So I think I’d better give her wisdom serious consideration and read it.  Besides, could my beloved have said anything nicer about me than what she did?  I don’t think so.

In other news, good things seem to be happening today.  It’s been a while since anything encouraging happened, but today brings some hope and excitement which I haven’t had in a long, long while.  I’ll provide details when I can.

I haven’t written or edited anything for so long I’ve forgotten how.  I have a lot to do with my completed manuscript and I’m hoping I’ll finish it before I die.  I think it’s time to schedule that sort of thing.  If I don’t I’ll never get back into the swing and get this done, and the clock is in serious run-mode now.  I have to do something to get this off my plate; I mean, c’mon … I completed the first draft in November of 2007, for pity’s sake.

Let’s see … anything else?

Not really.  I wrote a bunch of 5secfic (five second fiction) over the weekend for Twitter.  I also made my profile and updates public late last week, and now I’m getting a bunch of people following me whom I don’t know.  It’s a little scary.  I’m always nervous around strangers anyway.

Oh, I haven’t moved my bi0-data crap yet.  I think I’m going to do that, though.  If I thought I could control the search engine tags better, I’d move it to one of those junky free web sites like FreeWebs or something and let it be.  But for now, it’s still here … ‘cause I’m a traffic whore.

How was your weekend?


All original content © 2009 DarcKnyt
ALL rights reserved.

Cutting Our Darlings

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Writers are familiar with the phrase which titles this post.  It generally refers to our writing, wherein we’re being encouraged to cut stories, trim them, get them lean and strong for submission.  Remove what’s not relevant and strengthen what is.  But now, I’m thinking of applying the expression to this blog and its content.

I’ve told you before about how I’m popular in India because of my bio-data posts.  Those are, without doubt, the most traffic-generating items on my blog.  A couple of times, I’ve had my own weekday posts outstrip the CV information in popularity, but not consistently.  More often than not, the marriage requirements in south central Asia keep beating a path to my door.

I’m okay with that, for the most part.  Well … I’ve made my peace with it, at least.  But it’s one of those things I did as a cave-in to the search terms I saw on my blog.  Rather than just letting the search term turn up nothing, in my frustration with constantly getting the search hits for something I mentioned in passing, I spent the better part of a day at work (yeah, I worked then) pulling as much information about marriage bio-data CVs together as I could, from as many sources as I found credible, and compiled it here with as many links as I thought viable at the time.

It worked.  My hits started going nuts.  Before long, I became one of the top searches for “marriage bio-data” on Google, along with a couple of other related searches.  I’m near the top for most of them, and not much deeper than the third page on the weaker ones.

Now, that traffic accounts for most of what I get here on my blog.  Which means I don’t really know what my blog is doing with active readers as opposed to random searchers seeking love via resume.  I guess that’s not really a problem, but it did bring something to my attention I hadn’t thought of before:

What if I move that stuff off to its own blog?

I wouldn’t have to update it, could take down all the comment capability, and could just generally let it fly all on it’s own and forget it.  Doing so would give a much better idea what traffic I’m seeing here on my personal posts, and what interest lies with what topics.

I don’t know if I can live with watching my line graph go into the crapper though.  My hits now are pretty consistently over a hundred a day, but how much of that is traffic to this single topic, in which no one else has interest?

What do you all think?  Should I move that stuff away to its own blog and let this blog’s hits rely on you, my faithful readers?  Or should I leave well enough alone and STFU?

Sound off, y’all.  I’d like to know.


All original content © 2009 DarcKnyt
ALL rights reserved.