Send in the Clowns

Dude. This is SO me.

There are times at work where, in my head, in the movie playing only in my mind, I can hear the same music used for unicycle-riding clowns juggling.

There are times when I feel I probably should be that clown, except I can’t juggle or ride a unicycle.

I feel like I need to make sure my boss is completely entertained and happy, or at least distracted, or he’s going to find out I’m not very good at my job and will fire me. I mean, I do fine with running reports or working with macros which have already been written, but when challenged to come up with something not being done currently?

Well. Smack that panic-button, and cue the clowns and loud music.

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Try not to worry

I’m a worrywart. I don’t know how or why I became that way, but I am. I worry about everything. I’m gloomy, too. I see the worst things happening, never want to try anything because it’ll be hard or tricky, and never like going places without TO THE DOOR directions.

Worrying never put a cent in anyone’s bank account, never made anyone grow an inch, never stopped a single negative thing from happening. Worry never stopped tragedy befalling anyone, never prevented a car accident, never stopped a murder, rape or robbery. Worrying never did anything but cause me to worry, to suffer through things which might have been fun, and to miss out, but inaction most of the time, on things which might have been blessings.

Worry won’t stop the rain from falling, won’t keep the ice off the road, won’t keep the children safe from predators. Worry won’t change the circumstances in anyway, only my perception of things. It doesn’t alter any reality but mine.

Fear and worry go hand in hand. I wouldn’t worry if I weren’t afraid, and when I stop and think about it, I’m afraid of a lot of stuff. Fear never stopped a single thing from happening either. Just like worry, fear only freezes the scared one, and changes their course. The rest of the world, of course, goes on as it will, as it would. I had friends who shrugged at my fears, my worry, my paralysis and went on with their lives unimpeded, wondering why I didn’t. They were right, and I shouldn’t have.

With eyes clouded by worry I’ve watched my life swish by, with nothing to show for it but more years – and unfortunately more pounds – under my belt. I’ve worried about one thing or another in almost every circumstance I can recall, and when I didn’t worry something came along and knocked me for a loop. When that loop-knocking event occurred, it left me with one more thing to worry about the next time I did anything out of the ordinary path of my life, the ruts of my daily road.

The list grows and shrinks. New things to worry about are added every day, other things are scratched off. Give, take, retract and expand. The list never goes away, it just changes from time to time. What worried or scared me as a young man doesn’t bother me as a middle-aged man, but things I wasn’t afraid of then seem terrifying and looming now, towering in their menace.

My fears don’t alleviate but they don’t contribute or change things either. They are and they sit and they drown me. And no matter how much I hear the words, it’s never possible. “Try not to worry.”

I don’t even know what that means, I don’t think.

It’s just part of who and what I am, and I wonder if I’ll ever get over it. If I haven’t by now, when will I?


Copyright 2011 DarcKnyt, All rights reserved

Quick Hit and Random Stuff

Nothing to say, really; just a little brain stew.

SSRLP is kickin’ my a$$. No two ways about it.

WIGSF has a really nice post today. Go check it out and get a smile on.

My beloved did her usual Tuesday Tootsie, so you can go see some strange and unique shoes if you’re a mind to. Remember they’re women’s shoes though.

I got some bad news on the employment front (or UNemployment front, I guess), so if you’re the praying type, we need all of that you can spare. And any money you can spare would be welcome too. (HA! Wacka wacka wacka! Insert rim-shot here.)

How ‘bout some poetry? Check out Jaymie’s blog or Danielle’s blog. Or go see Louise Dragon (Weezel) or Al Bruno III for some intriguing and unique stories. Linda did a nice little fun exercise a few days ago; you writers can check it out here.

Sorry, not much else going on today. A lot of worry and stress. A lot of graying hair. A lot of fear and panic.

How’s it by you?



All original content © 2009 DarcKnyt
ALL rights reserved.

Stressful Day

Stress Reduction Kit

Yesterday was a high-stress affair for me.

I can’t get into the specifics, but suffice to say I worked myself into a complete froth over what will likely be nothing yesterday.  I spilled some of that stress over onto my wife and kids, unfortunately, but they all seemed not to notice.  (I’m not sure how to take that.)

My wife did ask a couple of times if I was okay.  When I told her no, I most certainly was not okay, she asked why.  When I tried to explain ….

I realized how stupid I was being almost immediately.  But man, I couldn’t help it.  I just kept right on being stressed, being frazzled, being worried.  Today, I’m still feeling that way a little.  I played with the kids some and they did great.  I feel bad for being snappy at everyone (which is the sign I’m under some sort of duress), and want to make it up to them today.  I figure some good, quality play time with the kids and pitching in to help Falcon get some computer- and relaxation-time will somewhat atone for my sins, but she’s really lousy at letting me make things up to her.  Here’s hoping.

No one got mad.  No one even said anything.  I spent time addressing one of the areas of stress with Falcon and praying about a big decision causing the stress, and afterward, felt a little better.  Sent an email, did some research … ah, that’s better.  Not relieved of the stress, but it’s manageable from here.

Of course, nothing’s changed in my situation.  I still am not working, and the uncertainties of that remain.  But now I feel today is a day when I can look at a couple of things and take care of them, and get myself into a better place.  I hope.

How about you?  How do you manage your stress, your tough emotional times when you feel caught between a rock and a hard place?  What’s your trick for getting out of the vicious cycle of worry and hand-wringing?

Any tips, greatly appreciated.


All original content © 2009 DarcKnyt
ALL rights reserved.